summmersalting's Journal

something I found
I wish they knew that you can have an ED and still eat, be a "normal" weight, and not look like a skeleton. It really pisses me off when people make comments like, "you're not that skinny" or "I saw you eating the other day" when I talk about my ED.

that i don't even really understand what i'm doing to myself and why.
that i have an intense fear of anything relating toward food, and don't even understand why.
the desperate need i feel to keep this thing, like its all mine but then i hate what its doing to me.
blah.

its a painful never ending cycle. it makes you lose a grip on life. you constantly feel hopeless and worthless....but you can never figure out why the hell you torture yourself like you do. some days it seems so elementary, but you just cant stop.

That I get SO frustrated with myself...
I KNOW what I stand to lose by continuing with the ED
I KNOW I am hurting my family
I HATE the ED Yet I still do it
I'm HUNGRY
Yes...I DO eat!
No..I'm not emaciated....

That you don't have to have an underweight BMI to have a perfectly valid and serious eating disorder that is f*cking with your life.
-That just because someone has an eating disorder, doesn't mean they don't eat
-That no matter what you say or do. I willstill think I am fat
I AM NOT DOING THIS TO HURT YOU.
-If you are upset by my ED then imagine how it is killing me.
-An eating disorder is not fashionable. You do not go looking for one to get thin
-Eating disorders are not vain
-They go much deeper than JUST weightloss. Weightloss if the focus but not the cause

its not always about looking for attention. sometimes its the opposite. you want to disappear.
its something i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
and yeah, you dont have to be really skinny to have an ed

You can't just stop or get over it and eat
You feel worthless and hopeless every day of your life
You know what you are doing is bad

-you don't CHOOSE to have an ed
-attention is the LAST THINGS most of us want (if not all of us)
-the media is not the soul cause of eds
-one person calling you fat or ugly does NOT mean you should/are going to develop and eating disorder
-we live in painful vicious cycles
-we're hard enough on ourselves.. we don't need shit from you too
-don't judge a book by it's cover, even if some of us are of average weight or overweight.. doesn't mean that our minds/insides are any different than those who are emaciated
-we're not proud of what we do
-just because we're aware of what we do, doesn't mean we know how to help ourselves
-don't listen to us say that we're fine.. WE'RE IN DENIAL (or at least i am)

this isn't just an "unhealthy diet"
im not doing this to be pretty

It's not just a phase that teens go through.
If someone confides in you about it chances are they're not looking for attention, they're looking for help.

1. its not a choice
2. its fucking hard to end
3. its not for attention? (that pisses me off the most)
I also wish that ppl would notice when im making huge progress to try to end it. Like i may eat a muffin for lunch and everyone will be like thats all your having? but to me its a huge step i just wana tell them to screw off. But i never would.

I don't want to look like a supermodel, or a skinny actress
If I did look like a supermodel or a skinny actress I would never see it anyway
If you think I would be magically cured by eating more, you're wrong
If you tell me how skinny I am it will just frustrate me, it's an insult, not a compliment because I feel you're lying to my face
I'm not doing this for attention
I didn't ask to obsess over food and calories every second of every hour, I don't like it, but at the same time I need it or I have nothing, no control

Living with an eating disorder is like having the devil in your head, constantly yelling at you. Whenever you even so much as THINK about eating, it's the teensy bit of rational voice you have left against the ever-consuming DEVIL that WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE. It's yelling at you before you eat, while you eat, and after you eat. I HATE IT. I WANT IT TO DIE!

Please don't tell me I look healthy, because to my ears it sounds like "you are fat".

EDs are powerful beasts.
Don't believe me when it comes to food or eating habits. People with EDs are the best liars in the world. It's how we survive. It's how our EDs survive.
Don't make me tell you what I have eaten today. I will have to lie. If I tell the truth, you will hurt. Either way I feel guilty, so just don't ask.
I'm not trying to get attention. I don't want to have this fucking problem.
Don't hurt me.

you do not understand, you cannot understand, you will not understand..
don't try to fix something when you can't see what's broken. it is not about weight. it is not about vanity. we are not stupid - we know how bad this is for us and if it was as simple as that we would stop.. thing is, we can't. we do not want to live like this, to feel like this, we did not choose this.
i am not proud, i am ashamed. there is enough guilt already inside of me, please be sensitive - ignorance will only fuel the self-hatred.

that you aren't cured by "just eating" or "just not throwing up"

Imagine...
- never feeling your good enough. ever. at anything.
- anytime you ever put food in your mouth, hearing a voice inside your head that screams abuse at you.."your a fat pathetic failure" "you don't deserve to be happy" "look at you you disgusting pig no one likes you" "your going to be so fat tomorrow that everyone will laugh at how much weight you've put on and think your even more of a loser"
- not being able to go out to a party because of that piece of pizza you had six days ago
- isolating yourself from all your friends. running away from any guy that tries to get close to you. denying yourself of any sort of relationship with anyone because your self-worth is so low you can't imagine anyone would possibly like you and you don't want to face up to inevitable rejection
- obsessing over food/weight to such a degree that not only is it the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning and the last before you go to sleep, but it occupies your dreams too.
- thats if you can get to sleep in the first place.
- not having the energy to walk up the stairs. or go up the road. or be bothered to meet your friends. just wanting to go to bed, cos thats all that you can do.
- feeling the life go out of you, where once you were a happy smiling face there is nothing left inside or out but emptiness
- sitting by yourself in your room in total loneliness, watching the world go by, your brothers, your parents, coming and going, while you sit there, focused on food. food. food. and they will never understand.
- not being able to ask for help. at least until you lose another 10 pounds. and then another. oh no not quite there yet, just a few more pounds, then I'll ask for help, one more, almost there...
- wanting help so so badly. but being really, really scared of putting on weight or losing the ED that has become your identity. Don't want to die, don't know how to live...

that its not helpful to try and talk about food all the time (cause they think that will help).
That i am not a good person to ask for diet advise.
That if i feel thin enough to go out then i'm prob too tired from starving myself.

-it's not that i'm antisocial, i just can't go out on fat days
-okay, i am antisocial, stop asking me to go out, the answer is NO
-stop commenting on my body, good or bad comments both hurt
-just THINK about the worst way that you words could hurt me.. it's worse than that
-don't ask me what i ate, it makes my brain hurt to think of lies
-don't tell me that you feel fat, ever
-stop telling me about your problems and ask me how the fuck i am (even though i won't tell you, i'd still like to be asked)
-don't comment on my messy room, it's a sign that i'm depressed.. open your eyes
-don't poke my stomach or i will bite your hand off
-just leave me the fuck alone

we don't make ourselves sick and miserable just to be pretty. I feel so superficial when people imply that.

I think it was in Marya Hornbacher (sp?) book that she said something like, "You could never hurt me more than I've hurt myself" - I may be bastardizing that quote, but really...that's why no one can get to me, because anything else in comparison stands zero chance

that nothing about it is as simple as it seems.

-NO I do not take pride in the fact that I can eat whatever I want and stay thin
-Yes I know to you I look skinny, and I know I am.. but it's not enough
-I KNOW THIS IS NOT HEALTHY
-Stop trying to understand,.. you're not going to
-The fact that I make jokes about it does not mean i don't take it seriously

-It's not a normal teenage girly phase
-It won't go away on its own
-People with EDs sometimes self-harm and many are depressed
-Bulimia is not just puking sometimes, it is dark and depressing and makes me suicidal, it is not the sort of thing that I do occasionally- it devours my days
-Don't tell me how unattractive it is to be bulimic, you cannot even conceive of how disgusting it is, and how horrid it makes me feel
-Going to the Doctor is the first thing you should've made me do, don't tell me to avoid going because then I will have a medical history of mental problems
-Don't make me ashamed of being bulimic
-Don't ask me why I'm on prozac in that tone of voice, I need it you f*ck
-Please don't ignore it and hope it'll go away
-People with EDs lie lie and lie some more. When I say "I haven't puked in months" I am lying. When I say "I had a lovely big lunch earlier" I am lying
-Don't insult me by going on about how I'm "over all that now", just take a f*cking look at me

to know the difference between anorexia and bulimia. Too often I hear ppl say things like, "She must be anorexic b/c I heard her puke after dinner" and "She never eats anything, she must be bulimic". Learn the simple facts before you start diagnosing ppl!

That the fact i'm not getting thinner doesnt mean that my ED isnt getting worse!

We are like heroin addicts without the heroin, I'll lie an cheat just so all you see is me being ok.
Just b/c our actions are not seen as the social norm and to YOU they seem stupid we are NOT stupid, the majority of people with ED's are very intelligent
Eating Disorders are not restricted to only young women. women AND men of all ages are Eating Disordered.

- whatever you do, it's usually gonna be the wrong thing to do
- if we push you away it usually means "help me"
- the ED always finds a way, watch our steps

Don't tell me that i am just an attention seeker
Don't ask me if you look fat
Don't keep telling me that tomorrow i can just wake up and decide to stop
Don't tell me i should be better by now
In fact, dont say a fucking word.

please dont ask where i would like to go eat.

how HORRIBLE we feel ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

It's not about Food and Weight!!! They are the symptoms not the problem
If I could "just eat" I would
I am not doing this on purpose, I did not choose to have an Eating Disorder
Don't try and tell me about the starving kids in africa thinking it will suddenly guilt me into eating...quiet the opposite, it makes me feel even more selfish and horrible and not deserving of food.
I know what this disease does to me, I DO care but I'm trapped by it
IT'S NOT A DIET!

That every time I tell you 'what I have eaten' today I AM LYING
That every time I say I am better now I AM LYING
That when I say 'well I'm hardly deathly thin any more am I?' and smile to reassure you I'm ok what I really want to do is scream and cry about how much fat is on me (NOT how fat I am).
That I don't care how fucking healthy dinner is - I don't want it because I haven't planned it
That this is not about being fat. Not anymore.
That I don't even understand it myself so I can't possibly explain it to you.

Don't assume that everytime i am going to the toilet that its to fucking puke. I do pee and poo to sometimes!

It's not about what you think of me, it's about what I think of myself!!!

even if the comment you make about me, my looks or my body is intended as a compliment...it makes me freak out and twist it into not being one. So just don't say anything GOT IT!?

......NOT everybody that has an ED exercises to the point of fainting...
....WE can hide it... or in other words you dont notice it...
.......Instead of judging my actions, understand the hell I am goin through..(i know u'll never understand but at least try).....
... I didnt chose to have an ED....I dont want attention.... Its not about being PRETTY...
......Dont ask about it....Dont get mad if I dont eat or if I exercise a lot...(to my sis)
...Dont tell me u dont want to pay for hospitals or treatments, it only makes me more depress.. cause I dont chose to do it....
... Dont tell me I have a trauma... Its ur ignorance that doesnt let u understand...
N' please dont tell me I'm not fat.. cause I know I am........ If I dont look fat to u, It doesnt mean I am not fat...(its all about perspectives)
......Dont touch my stomach...it reminds me of my fatness....

I would be so happy if one day they will realize that there is no simple solution to make it go away.

I get so.. well... I don't even know how to describe the feeling... but
I get soooooo sick of pple talking about stuff they know nothing about, it's not even about food and I realize that it is hard for someone to watch someone they love wither cuz of an ed, but please, really; IT'S NOT HELPING
.....at all

that this is not something i CHOSE to do to myself, this is not something i can HELP, if i COULD eat without hating myself then god damnit i WOULD!

--Don't touch my body, don't look at my body, don't think about my body, don't comment about my body, don't even look like you are thinking about my body. Pretend it doesn't exist.
--Don't tell me I'm beautiful. Don't tell me I have a pretty face. Don't tell me you love me just the way I am. Don't tell me I'm perfect. Don't tell me I don't look like I weigh as much as I do. Don't!
--Understand that as much as you have hurt me with everything you have done, it doesn't even come close to the harm that I have done to myself. Realize that I have all but killed myself emotionally and I'll probably never get over that hurt. Understand that no one broke my heart but me.
--Don't try to make me eat. Don't try to help me diet. Don't even acknowledge the existance of food in relation to me and my body.
--Don't try to tell me about things like binge eating and unhealthy body image. Is is so hard for you to see that I know all too much about these things? Are you really naieve enough to see through my lies?
--Don't talk about dieting, being fat, or losing weight...even in reference to yourself. The more I hear it, the more unhealthy I become.
--Don't try to help, but figure out some way that I can find to help myself.

You can be understanding...but you will never understand.

- Please realize that although I'm no longer skeletal, I still struggle each and every day.
- Yes, I realize that I look "better" at a higher weight. I dont care.
- I spend a ridiculous amount of my time deciding what and when I am going to eat.
- Dont ask me if I'm eating ok. If I am, it'll annoy me, and if I'm not, I'm not going to tell you anyways.
- Dont tell me I'm beautiful in an attempt to make me feel better. I won't believe you, and even if I did, I still wouldn't care.
- If I decide to talk about my eating disorder to you, please do not feel the need to tell me how you "had anorexia" for a few months unless you really want to be slapped.
- I will never feel good enough. Ever. There is nothing you can do.
- If I'm feeling fat, I do not want to be touched. It has nothing to do with how much I love you, I just cant stand the sensation of things against my skin. There's a reason I wear baggy clothes on those days.
- I'm not doing this for attention, and in fact I'd be quite happy if you all just kind of forgot about it for now, ok?
- No, I dont think the media is bad for me. I think I'M bad for me. Why would I need the media's help?
- It's ok to let me know that you care, but please don't push me to talk about it if I don't want to.

ED's are not just about food and weight, those are some of the symptoms NOT the cause.
Yes someone average or slightly over can be suffering from Bulimia
Not all anorectics and bulimics are super skinny
I'm not doing this for attention
my Ed is not a suicide attempt
I do NOT understand why I do this, so don't ask me all the time
Ed's are as individual as the person, so don't stereotype us
Yes anorectics do eat and sometimes binge
Bulmics don't always purge
I know the dangers and consequences, but I can't stop doing this
Recovery doesn't happen over night
Just because I'm eating ok for a time or not purging doesn't mean I'm recovered
Just because we slip back or are not ready for recovery does NOT make us pro-ed
Don't talk about dieting, fat etc because it just bothers me
Don't compare me to the "texbook" anorectic
Just love and accept me!!

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